I had a belated birthday dinner tonight with my family (minus a favourite cousin) . . .and I have to say, they are something. . . .I love my family the same or more so than they love me. And we have a wierd and wonderful time expressing it.

Well, no so wonderful in the moment, but more in retrospect.

Grandmom was talking about how the mole on my left eyelid represents how easy I am to cry. It's true.

I am an emotionally extreme person, and I cleanse myself with tears. Even tonight.

At dinner they talked about my birthday and gauged it against times past...when my aunt, age six and a half, came to Canada, my parents humble beginnings, nights when a toddler me would run to the top of the stairs, arms stretched and beckoning to my father who had just gotten home.

My grandmother says that I"d be gurgling, "Daddy!!" before he ran up the stairs, scooping me up for a hug. My brother would latch on to my father's leg. They say he was jealous.

This is actually a handwritten entry. Long time no write, huh. Been a little busy. Work, school, work, school...gotta sleep too ya know.

I'm actually writting with 3 little posed monkeys in front of me. My funny mother claims it was my little sister's birthday present to me...but I know better. I'm delighted with my mummie's cute gift.

I know she's proud that I have the new job too....she's simple never come into any place of my employment with a huge grin on her face. That said it all.

And my father is proud too....because I was his first baby girl. It's taken me long to realize it too.

But tonight, he reached over at dinner and cupped the nape of my neck, as an infant. And in that simple gesture, he reminded me.

I'm 21. Sometime in the next decade, I'll get married. My cousins will switch schools or graduate; my own baby sister will be entering post-secondary. Maybe she'll have a boyfriend. At sometime, I'll move my entire life out of my father's house. . .I'll bid everyone goodbye, I'll dance a dance with my father to "Daddy's Little Girl".

And maybe someday, perhaps I'll cup a baby me in my arms, and feel my life breathe through hers.