No. I'm not being mean to myself...Today was a good but ugly day.

I believe everyone goes through cycles. Even men. We live our lives a series of wavelengths. Sometimes we're having the same high...other times we have the same low..

I woke up this morning at nine still upset from a "discussion" with my parents last night...I set an alarm clock so that I don't oversleep THAT much.

But after breakfast (pancakes. num. I told you I would.) I felt...mentally exhausted. Not because of breakfast, mind you.

I'm twenty years old and I'm treated like a child. I'm caged like an animal. I don't know. Maybe just my low of my cycle. I just felt so shitty last night and this morning.

Everytime I talk to my parents I am brought back to the stupid little worthless girl of my childhood.

And they keep giving me shit, ALWAYS when we're in the car and I can't get away. And I hate crying in front of people so I don't bother talking after a while. I absorb it all.

Part of me thinks that I'm just sucking in all this shit..and it worries me. ...where's it all going? How long can I control it inside of me before i...implode?

I found myself thinking that during my night course tonight.

In other words..I am looking for a new job. I hope I get one I like. I also found myself thinking about my last job all day.

I miss everyone. Yet it's not like I can call whoever...and get the fondness back. It's everyone together...bouncing remarks off each other. That's what I miss.

In a way, I was thinking it was like a surrogate boyfriend. Although an abusive relationship with "it", it gave me somewhere to go..something to do. Made me functional. Have a function. It gave me skills..some power. And it paid me. BUT not enough. Cheap bastard. No wonder we herded you out of Western Canada.

*sigh*

I didn't update last night because I wasn't feeling too well, but I definately would have written about Fletch. Not only is he a great writer with substantial content, beautiful layout and professionalism (he's an "upper- level editor type" at his school newspaper), he's also linked to me!!

THAT is cool in itself. But he has it linked under my supremely old journal name. Which means he's been reading for...FOREVER.

That amazes me.

Simply because out of like..the five people that read my journal, most of them have found me within the last year, post-Michael Whereas Fletch has seen through it all and is STILL actually reading me. THAT is beyond cool.

That's on the verge of sainthood.

:)

My mind was wandering a lot today. Oh...I actually got my resume DRAFTED. (Yes that's a very big step.) I've geared one towards office / professional jobs highlighting my office experience.. and one geared towards more of a retail / cashiering job.

It would be nice to be able to put some money back in the bank, wouldn't it?

Glenda agrees with me about my brother's chick:

Serious. There's this other story about how my uncle was at the bank, turns and sees my brother with THE GIRL. Of course, my uncle was already at the counter...and my brother walks up to my uncle to talk. The girl....she goes and stands by the door.

Yes, I DO think that's rude. I think she''s completely rude and strange and what the hell is my brother doing with her anyways?

Wouldn't you think it was strange if you couldn't take your SO home to meet mum and dad?

So. My mind has been wandering a lot today. During my class tonight I found myself comparing my TA to the guy who asked me out (from work). Like seriously. Right down the the stance and the hand gestures, this guy was like a splitting image (is that the right expression?) of Brit boy. I was like "holy cow" in awe...and I found myself thinking when he glanced at me, "I wonder what he thinks of me." "What if some other heartless shallow Chinese chick turned him down when he asked her out?" "I'm fucked."

Anyways.

There was also this guy in that class that gave me this long look when everyone got up to leave. I hate that look.

Not to be all egotistical and stuff, I know exactly, the kind of Chinese guy I attract. It happened all through high school. Usually some serious looking somber guy will just keep staring at me throughout class. And a week or two later, one of his more outgoing friends will mention to me that "Oh, so and so LIKES you.."

YEAH, SO??!? I really don't get the point of this tactic. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information? Grow some balls and do something yourself!!!

God I hate that. It's like..so ..grade school. So secret admirer. (Although secret admirer is much cuter.)

But really, it makes me a little sick. It doesn't matter who the guy is or whatever. I mean one time I thought the guy was cute. But so what. I don't know you. Get to know me or something. How ...sickeningly shallow.

I mean I shouldn't be that quick to judge....maybe I had a booger sticking out my nose or something, and the guy has a hilarious laugh..but I guess it just brought back really frustrating memories.

What's your take?

Still feeling sick. Tummy rumbling.

Please check out Fletch too. I guarantee a good read.

Job or not to job too. If I get this "job".. hell what am I talking about, I haven't even applied anywhere...IF I DO get a job..I don't know if I can juggle it. I mean I KNOW others have been known to do it...school and work..but it's my first time in a LONG while being back in school....not that my study skills were ever that good in high school, or even after that. So it's my first time back in school after a long absence, where I really need the marks (pre-req for the entire PROGRAM) so..I can imagine that it'll be a little more stressful.

And I want to get things done as quickly as possible.

Doesn't everyone?