..yes...this entry is somewhat on relationships...so be wary. be very wary.

Have you had many intimate relationships? Intimate meaning strong..close...in a mental way. Being able to open up to someone indefinately..?

I have to say that in that definition, I have had no intimate relationships. For a while I thought I did. ...but in black and white...I have no lasting, truely intimate relationships. Not in friends, not in family.

And perhaps I thought I was safe. ..because in risking nothing, ..I had nothing to lose.

Because..you see...if you open up to someone, and they reel...and walk away.. how does that make you feel?

Pretty shitty?

I think I've lived my entire life that way. Do not speak unless spoken to..."I don't need anyone..I'm fine this way." . . . .because when I show someone who I am, they can't handle it. And it feels pretty shitty.

I had a funny day. I'm having my "big boobs" couple of days..you remember. from little boobs to big boobs. Thank god I don't have big boobs to begin with... my babies are rather tender. Sweet and tender. :)

So with boobs on the mind, me, my brother, sister and cousin are in PUBLIC waiting for an elevator...and I'm just flabbergasted by the tight shirt that my chubby cousin is wearing.

Me [mouth agap and pointing at my little first-grader male cousin]: You got boobs!

Brother [joining in]: You got boobs.

Cousin [smirks mischieviously and turns to my brother]: Oh yeah? He pokes my brother in the chest..the nipple to be exact.

brother [with his back to the elevator door]: Yeah?? Touching my boobs. Betcha can't touch my boobs..

As my brother's half through his sentance, the elevator doors without warning..no "ding", no ring...no warning..and poor me, standing in front of the elevator with my brother's (and his stunned, wide-eyed face) between me and the open doors, I try not to burst out laughing.

..I'm pretty sure the people in the elevator heard my brother...although, thankfully, they were a group of 5 mixed teenagers and an adult couple..they didn't want us on their lift.

"This is going down."

Yeah..true embarrassing story. Even before the doors closed I was laughing hysterically.

Of course I must tell you about my cousin in Playdium. [Think Mr. Bean.]

It's a "district meeting" day, so of course it's mad busy like a weekend. Me and my sister are watching my brother play on a game...my cousin wanders off to a game right beside the one we were at and watches that one. There's also a couple tall Taiwanese guys dressed in black waiting to play the game.

..the current guy playing the game loses...he gets off the game. VERY quickly...my 6 year old cousin jumps in to take his place...much to the dismay of me and the people waiting for the game. He even takes a couple "practice shots".. and turns around to look at the people waiting, as if to say, "what cha lookin' at?"

I call his name. He look at me.

And with a little "hurt" look at the Taiwanese guys, he reluctantly takes one step off the machine.

This part was a little cool. The guys waiting hadn't noticed me or my siblings.. and one of them puts his palms out to the side, Wyclef style, to let my cousin play on the game.

[again..think Mr. Bean.] My cousin, very quickly changes again to impulsive from his slow reluctancy.....and yet because I, the money holder did not approve of his budging in line, he eyes me out of the corner of his eye.

Hand in right pocket. "my card.."

Hand in left pocket. "where's my..."

He feels in his side pocket. "aww man.."

Meanwhile...me and my sister are giggling.

Yep...that mischievious little cousin of mine is such a character. And he's only in first grade.

Back to relationships. ...or lack thereof for me. Perhaps it's the lack of good people for me to interact with...or perhaps it's just me.

That does feel shitty.

Well. have to write a midterm tomorrow morning. Night everyone.