Not my birthday. ..although that's happening in about three weeks..but my little sisters. Happy B-day l'il sis.

yes...I started this entry last night and got a phone call that turned into a looong phone call...so I'll just rehash what I was GOING to write now. :)

Dave is the coolest guy I have ever met.

A couple days ago I asked him about Jennifer Lopez.

"ahh....Jennifer Lopez.. I can't say that I follow her career. Why?"

heh. I don't know if it's manly wisedom, or that ..hell. He's just wise. He doesn't know Jenni Lopez.

That phone call last night was actually him. I feel kind of bad right now. I don't know if he had to work today, but it was very bad that I talked to him until the wee hours of the morning.

Am I afraid of my own sexuality? I think it's more that I'm afraid of who's listening or reading. I don't want to offend anyone...but then at times I know I say more than one wants to know. And then sometimes I KNOW i'll offend someone and say things just cause.

Have you ever wondered what love was? This Dave guy is warping my brain.

I thought I used to know. I guess I did know. For that moment in time. Love...is intimacy. It is reliability...right?

I thought a for a long time in bed last night before I finally knocked myself out..thinking.

It came down to love.. When you love someone...you believe in them because you want to.

How do you know I'm real? Is there any grounds for reality? For truth?

It's like logical inconsistance: "This sentance is false." If that sentance IS false, then isn't it true? And if it's true...then it's true that it's false. It's a fallacy.

And so with love...belief is such a testy thing. Love..You believe the sweet nothings and you BELIEVE the words....at the cost of your own trust. Because to believe otherwise.. Is that not somewhat self-mutilation? So instead of you hurting yourself..you let this being with bright eyes and sweet smile hurt you...and who is to blame..

What is love?

What is unconditional? Is there such a thing?

Yeah...I thought my brain was going to burst after that conversation.

That's my silent prayer sometimes.

Strength to stand up for myself. Strength to speak out. Strength to laugh. Strength to cry.

Yes...I need strength to cry.

I believe in tears. I believe in cleansing...I believe in spirituality.

The last time I cried? Last night.

Honesty is good. It's refreshing, cleansing and good.

I don't think I speak the truth as much as I know I should. I bend the truth...I tell people what they want to hear...what they want to hear..it smarts to be asked a pointed question. Have you ever seen Forces of nature?

I loved that movie. I saw it with Mark ..a long long time ago. I thought Sandra should have married what's his face...but it was amazing what they did with that windstorm scene...

In light of my enlightened thoughts of love...love...my idealistic love still remains a peaceful time for me. No....not past loves. My love.

I've always had this dream of love....a serene love..an intellectual, logical, sensual, intense love. Sometimes....when all else fails..I dream of this love.

It is faceless. Formless...but I know it exists. That is my peace. It is timeless, this peace.

You know what else is timeless? This journal. I love this journal. It's the recognition of all facets of me. My different me's. No...I couldn't change me.

Fear is not me. It's an extraneous variable....it's not a part of anyone. Do you agree?

Sheesh. I know I'm getting way spacey for some of you out there. I think I'll laugh in another time at myself. ...but..you know what...this is what I used to write like. I know I've felt this all before.

Let's just set that straight too...everything you've felt, someone else has felt before... everything you say..has been said before. Perhaps in a differen form, medium..intensity..but all's been done said and spoken before.